Navigating Blended Family Dynamics
I saw a news piece yesterday morning about it (September 16th)
being ‘National Step Families Day’ and I thought about all the many ways that ‘family’
can be shaped and defined.
Blended families are very common – and if you are not in a blended family, you will have some in your wider family or friendship circles. From those around you, you’ll know how many different shapes those blended families can take, and the wide range of different relationships – both good and bad – that come with them.
Navigating a blended family can be challenging. I could write whole books about the different challenges those in my own close circles have faced, even before I explore the clients I’ve worked with, and their many and varied dynamics. For the sake of a single blog, I will focus on the dynamics of blending your own family – i.e. when two single parents begin a relationship, and bring their children together as a new step family.
You may question why there needs to be a National Step Family Day at all – and, like many modern awareness days, this is one that began in America – created in 1997 by Christy Tusing-Borgeld. It’s an opportunity for people to appreciate, acknowledge and celebrate their new blended family, and to speak openly about the unique challenges that step families can bring.
When you are brought into the life of any child – no matter how old – they may be wary, and might initially resent you being in their parent’s life. Many children of divorced parents hold a hope that their parents will get back together, so see the new partner as a barrier to that. Patience, kindness and compassion are vital, to establish a healthy bond, to show that you love and support their parent, and that you want the children to be happy and comfortable.
It’s also important to listen and observe the parenting style of your new partner and their ex, and that you have honest and open discussions about their boundaries and rules – because they may parent differently to you, which can cause conflict.
If you are the other parent seeing your ex beginning a new relationship, and that new person forming a bond with your own children, can be difficult too. It might feel like your child loving this new adult is a betrayal or rejection – but it’s very important not to project that emotion on to your children, or to do or say something that will impact your child’s well-being and relationship with your ex, or their new partner.
It may be that your children are reluctant to form a bond with this new adult – so it’s very important that you show them you are happy, that you make an effort to get along with the new partner (or that you at least act politely and respectfully, in the presence of your children, and process any negative emotions or conflict in a way that doesn’t impact the children’s experience.)
There are so many different challenges and emotions when blending any family – and whether its you or your ex beginning this new chapter, the main goal should be harmony, and the priority should always, always be the well-being and happiness of any children involved. They learn by watching and absorbing what is happening around them, so – though it may be very difficult – all of the adults should do their best to get along, to communicate well, to be respectful and patient, and to, in essence, form a ‘team’ of parents who love and support all of the children.
If there is bad feeling, and one parent has treated the other badly, that can be hard – but a family therapist can help with the process of healing from those hurts, and building a new foundation to work from, putting the children’s development at the forefront of any future choices and decisions.
You don’t need to be best friends with this new stepparent, you don’t even need to like them – but you do need to respect them, as someone important and probably influential in your children’s life, and in the life of their other parent.
If you are in a blended family and struggling with some of the dynamics, and how to navigate forming a relationship with your stepchildren and their other parent, I have some great tips that will give you a good starting point:
Seek some professional advice and support:
There are some excellent books available to help you find the right language to speak to children about divorce and the different ways ‘family’ can look:
Two Places to Call Home: A picture book about divorce
Love Makes a Family (It's Cool to be Kind)
(there are many other books, these are just suggestions, but
do look at other books on the subject to find the right resource for your
lifestyle and communication style)
There are others for the adults, which are of course more in depth and explore the psychology and coping techniques for specific challenges you might face:
Blissfully Blended Bullshit: The Uncomfortable Truth of Blending Families by Rebecca Eckler
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your
Children Will Be Glad That You Did)
If you want more direct support than self-help books (though they are an excellent place to start!) I do recommend getting a family therapist, who can help you to process the challenges and to communicate with your partner and stepchildren, without conflict. A third party, who isn’t emotionally invested in this situation, can give all parties a safe space to speak about their feelings and concerns, and to moderate the emotional reactions you may all have.
Even if you have therapy alone, you can learn some great ways to cope, to process, and to manage situations you’ve been struggling with, and form healthy relationships – both with any children and as a co-parent to your new partner’s ex. Remember: you are a team now – and whether you’d choose that person as a friend or not, you need to find a way to get along!
Don’t push or rush:
Don’t try to rush a bond with your partner’s children, and don’t tread on the toes of their other parent. It’s best not to introduce someone you’re dating until you’re sure it’s going to be a long-term relationship, as your children will struggle to cope with people coming and going. Instead, be sure to create a strong, secure relationship first, then introduce the new partner slowly.
The first meeting should be away from the home, somewhere neutral, and you should tell your children something about this new partner before they meet. Let the children lead the next steps, whether they want to see and spend time with the new partner, if they want to invite them to dinner, and eventually to stay overnight.
Children want to like people, and want to see their parents happy, but they will often have some conflicting emotions, and may push the new partner away: they may even regress in their age-appropriate behaviour and language. It’s important to keep reassuring them that they are loved, and that they are your priority. Don’t immediately have the new partner present all the time, let them gradually adjust to the shifting dynamics, and be sure to listen to what they are saying (and what they are not saying!).
Keep things light:
In the first few meetings try to keep things light and fun – meet at a playground, go to the cinema, have dinner out, and go your separate ways after a couple of hours.
Do things the children choose, and when you do get invited (by them!) to the home, don’t stay over the first time, and let the children pick what you do – play games they pick, eat meals they like – and let them be the focus, rather than just background to your new relationship.
Avoid any overt physical affection with your new partner in front of them until you’ve established more of a connection, so they don’t feel like they’re in competition with you for their parent’s attention and affections.
Encourage honesty and loyalty:
Be sure that you communicate your role well – that you are an addition to their life, not a replacement; that you are here as a companion, not competition, and that you will let them lead the way you connect. A stepparent isn’t quite the same as a parent, and is there to support the choices and boundaries the child’s parents have created – to join an existing team, not to take over.
No matter how involved you become (whether you live with the children most of the time, or are just an occasional weekend guest) be sure to reassure the child that you aren’t there to take anything from the family.
Some children might reject the new partner – struggling with that sense of betrayal or guilt – and it’s important that their own parent manages this: though it’s ok to struggle, it isn’t ok to be rude or disrespectful; remind them that this new person is additional to their birth parents, not in competition with them.
Avoid negative language and behaviour towards former partners:
Some splits are contentious – and can leave a lot of bad feeling and negativity between former partners. Often (too often) this negativity is openly spoken and displayed in front of the children – which, even without new partners being introduced, can cause a lot of hurt and trauma.
Children see and absorb much more than people might think – and it is much harder to undo than hurt than to avoid causing it in the first place.
Children also form their world view and their opinions of people (and how they form their own relationships in future, whether with friends or partners) by observing the adults around them. They shape their sense of your character from your behaviour, your words, and the small things you might think are insignificant or subtle, but which are huge to their forming minds.
It’s vital that you – whether the parent bringing in a new partner, or as the stepparent – are careful to avoid using negative language to, or about, the other parent.
In an ideal world, both sides of the family – both parents, and their new partners and children – will be able to spend time together for big occasions like school shows, sporting events, birthday parties etc – but if that isn’t possible in your situation, be sure to make the child the focus of these special events without saying anything negative or hurtful about the other parent.
If one parent is absent entirely, which brings its own
additional layers of trauma to children, it’s still important to explain their
absence in a way that doesn’t put any burden of ill feeling on the child. They
can understand the facts of the situation without adding your own hurt to how
you communicate it. As they grow up, if the absent parent has been kept away
for good reason (if they were abusive, for example) you can explain that they
don’t see that parent because they did something bad – but try to keep the information
age-appropriate, and give your child access to a therapist or counsellor who
can help them to process the information when they are ready.
When you are in a blended family, or are considering a relationship with someone who has children from a previous relationship, you will have a lot of new situations to navigate. No matter what, if you are honest, patient and put the needs of all the children involved first, you will find ways to create a beautiful patchwork of family life.
If you would like to speak to me about your own unique situation, and get support to process any emotional challenges, or practical ways to navigate the waters, you can contact me through this website, or email me on amandaburbidge-counselling@outlook.com or call 07849 037095 – I offer in-person sessions, or phone / video call sessions via Whatsapp.
